Archive for May, 2007

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Solution to all men’s issues…

May 31, 2007

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I often see men with out of control wives, and it makes me sick… What is the point, you may as well cut of your penis, put on a maids outfit, start cleaning the house and asking how you can make some more money for your woman to go shoe shopping.

This short tutorial will guide you on how to keep a women in check.

1. Always lead with an iron fist, let nothing get by them; because the moment you do it is all down hill.

2. Slap first ask questions later.

3. Any question asked of you that isn’t “What do you want for dinner?” or “How may I please you today?” should not be answered.

4. Accept only the best, should something not be satisfactory instruct your woman on how it is to be done and use your skills to enforce.

5. A man is the king of the house and everything that surrounds him; should the woman not understand and support this she is not worthy of the title “woman”.

So there you have it, but guys… this will NEVER work if women know there is a list… So keep it just between us.

*Note: Women should you be reading this please understand that this is not a reflection of my actual thoughts, this is merely for amusement purposes only, and yes I know that abuse against women is never funny.

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Sexuality Measurement By Amount of Vin Diesels

May 29, 2007

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Did you know that your level of sexuality can be measured in Vin Diesels?

Being 100% gay equates to 4 Vin Diesels, so therefor the going rate of Vin Diesels is as follows:

Totally Straight = 0 Vin Diesels
Metrosexual = 1 Vin Diesels
Bi-Curious = 1.5 Vin Diesels
Bi-Sexual = 2 Vin Diesels
Homosexual = 4 Vin Diesels

For example:

Samuel L Jackson = 0 Vin Diesels
David Beckham = 1 Vin Diesels
Hugh Grant = 1.5 Vin Diesels
Justin Timberlake = 2 Vin Diesels
Ian Thorpe = 4 Vin Diesels

So there you have it; when you come into work strutting around in a purple shirt with a pink downward facing triangle on it you are well on your way to achieving 4 Vin Diesels worth of gayness.

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Bad Joke…

May 26, 2007

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I just heard a joke which I think is fantastic!

Should you not get the humour in the joke then you have missed the point, no doubt someone or other will be offended by this, well… hopefully :)

Question: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?

Answer: Cancer!

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Gloria Jean’s – Poor Coffee, Retarded Staff

May 23, 2007

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I went into Gloria Jean’s today thinking to myself “I want a hot chocolate and one of those thermal mugs to take it away in”

I assumed this would be easy; however you know what they say about assumption though right?

“Assumption is the mother of all fuckups”.

So I say to this girl behind the counter “I would like a hot chocolate, may I also purchase a mug to take it away in”. I have a look on the till and it says “Eat In… $5.35”, I say “Are you sure you got that right… I want it in one of those mugs… those ones over there” (and I point to the take away re-usable mugs). Of course she replies with “Yep, in a mug… no problems”.

I thought she knew what I was talking about… Apparently not… My hot chocolate comes to me in a non-travel style mug…

I’m thinking to myself “You have to be kidding me” so I dumb it down for her “You know those mugs, those ones right over there with the handles that have “Gloria Jean’s” written on them, the ones that people “buy” off you and take their coffee away in…” “Yes” replies the girl. “That’s the one I want…” “Ohhhhhh” replies the girl.

For fucks sake, why am I always getting served by stupid people, always testing my patience?

One day I’m just going to flip out and stab someone or maybe reach across the counter, grab the person and say “THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANTED, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU????!!!!”

Some time later…

Friend says to Anthony: “Huh? You’ve been in prison?”

Anthony replies: “Yep, some bitch at Gloria Jean’s got my order wrong… you understand right?”

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MSN – Murder the English Language Online!

May 17, 2007

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I don’t profess to be an excellent speller or to be fantastic at grammar; however I generally try whether I’m talking, chatting on MSN or writing a blog post.

Enough is enough… Some people just don’t have a clue; it’s beyond a joke. When I get a sentence like this one below it makes me want to vomit.

Wot? Lol fairy nuff catchya l8r LOL!!!1

I have a perfect example of this below… this is a short transcript of a conversation I had with my sister-in-law…

Jenny: ur joken!
Jenny: dont b stupid!
Anthony: What the fuck is “joken”?
Jenny: lol joking
Jenny: happy?
Anthony: Learn English if you want to speak to me…
Jenny: lol man i not in stupid english class!
Jenny: *i’m
Jenny: lol
Anthony: It doesn’t matter.
Anthony: You are murdering the English language.
Anthony: The English language hates you!

And don’t even get me started on the idiots who change their nicknames every five minutes!

*note: Jenny is completing year 12.

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Women are Skilled – At being Annoying

May 10, 2007

 

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Women are great, they have amazing abilities.

One ability that I will talk about today is their great ability to take whatever is said in the worst possible way.

For example I might say to a woman “You are looking very nice today” and her reply would be “What? Don’t I normally look nice?!” How is a man meant to recover from this? Truth is there is no recovery; you have dug yourself into a hole without even doing anything.

This happens over and over…

This could be a normal response from a woman; however it’s more likely that women are taking advantage of the situation for their own personal amusement. It’s no secret that women get enjoyment out of hurting men.

I’m not alone here either women… I have had a lot of men agree and comment on very similar occurrences.

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How young is too young?

May 9, 2007

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People often wonder how young is too young in relationships…

There is a simple rule if you are looking to shack up with someone of a younger age then yourself!

The rule/law is as follows:

Your Age divided by 2 then add 7.

So if you are 30 the formula would look like:

30 / 2 + 7 = 22

There you go, and you know what? The older you are the better it gets!

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Word up Weekly Word: Apotemnophilia

May 7, 2007

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Definition:

Sexual desire for an amputee or to have one’s own healthy limb amputated; also called amputation fetish.

Yep… How’s that people? Amputee Porn.

Gives a whole new meaning to the term “Hand Job”.

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Hospital sucks…

May 6, 2007

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05/05/2007 2:11pm

It has been five days since I’ve eaten anything, I’m staving, and my mouth has been salivating all day… All I can think about is steak, sausages, and eggs – any proteins!!! ANY WILL DO!!!

I still have this blood clot in the back of my throat and I’d be lucky to see a nurse every 4 hours; my stupid drip-in-my-arm machine has been beeping for about 10 minutes and nurses just walk by…

Apparently I’ll be released tomorrow… I’m feeling a lot better – they have me on painkillers, a drip and AV antibiotics as it’s possible that the clot has formed due to an infection… I think this is likely as since the AV antibiotics have been pumping through my throat has become a lot less tender.

I’m in a room filled with old people; I’m not just talking people over 40 either :P seriously old… like 70 through 90…

The woman sitting to my right has had some sort of operation on her bowl and is causing all sorts of dramas; both her and her son are verbally abusive to the nurses, the son is a little more politically correct about his abuse. Some of the woman’s favourite phrases are “Piss off”, “Fuck off”, and my personal favourite is when someone asks her how she is she replies with “Mentally ill, now go fuck yourself”…

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Tonsillectomy Trauma

May 4, 2007

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So I’ve been coughing up blood again… nothing as rapid as last time, however this time has a particularly gross twist!

Where my tonsils used to be are two large holes… craters if you will; and occupied in my right side is a huge blood clot.

Now I’ve already coughed up a few of these lovely pieces of art however this one I’m really not looking forward to.

It’s a vicious cycle… Throat bleeds – Clot Forms – Clot Falls Off – Throat Bleeds and so forth.

I think I will call up the “Ear Nose and Throat Surgeon” tomorrow (well actually today as it is currently 1:44am) and see what can be done to prevent this unappetising disgusting event to continue to happen.

Oh and Yes! I am getting pretty fucking sick and tired of not being “all better” by now.